I Need to Work Harder

I'm tired of feeling disappointed whenever I walk out of an audition. I've become one of those actors that wants to apologize for their work. Bullshit. I'm a good actor and I KNOW I have it in me to be a better one. I need to bring more of myself to my pieces...after all, there's only ONE me and THAT'S exactly what I need to show CD's and agents and directors. If I want to be successful I have to walk in that room thinking, "I'm about to blow their fucking minds." So no more excuses. I have good pieces. I need to trust them. Wouldn't hurt to have a few more that are my type-appropriate and I'll find them in due time.

I'm struggling today. And yesterday. And probably tomorrow. I have all of this STUFF inside me but I can't get it out. Motivation ebbs and flows until I find myself watching my fifth episode of West Wing for the day. I don't end up working out...which is probably why I feel tired all the time. I don't end up reading much unless it's on the train. I'm keeping up on the NY Times, which is an important part of being an actor that I'm incorporating into everyday life. I want to do some sort of map-based artwork but I haven't even thought about that. I can blame the fact that everything I own is still in two towers of boxes in my room but that's BS.

I'm going to do yoga tomorrow with my friend Rocio. It'll be a good motivator I think. Hopefully it can help release some pent-up emotional tension in my muscles. I get misty eyed at the drop of a hat to the point where I'm blind with tears at least twice per episode of the West Wing...I mean it's a really fucking good show but come on! Perhaps I'm getting my emotions to the surface a bit better, which can only help with acting.

I need to get on the horse when it comes to creating my own work. I should be writing a scene or something but I can only seem to write when it's about my life. It'd be easier to create if I had like-minded, available artists around me...but that's not the case and I can't hide behind that.

On the other hand....I NEED TO GIVE MYSELF A FUCKING BREAK! I made a big move to a GIGANTIC city....alone. I'm getting over a three year relationship. I'm making about $147/week. I'm trying not to drink for awhile. And if all of this results in the fact that I spend time by myself in my room watching Netflix then so be it. Carpe diem another diem...put that in your pipe and smoke it Robin Williams.

I saw The Suit a few nights ago. It was directed by Peter Brook, this TITAN of theatre that has inspired and challenged my perceptions about theatre through his books...and a man who quite frankly I thought was long dead. I believe he's 88 now and he's still got it. I've read a lot of his thoughts about theatre and it was nice to see how his ideologies translate to his work on the stage.

His cast was wonderful. Through the use of mime and a few mobile set pieces, they created a beautiful apartment that truly felt like it was in South Africa. It really does prove that you don't need to spend thousands of dollars building sets to set the scene. Simply by saying "I'm going to wash my hands in the sink of here" can illustrate a kitchen sink just as effectively as an actual kitchen sink. Give the audience some credit. As the saying goes, "the book is always better than the movie." Well why is that? I think it's because our minds are quickly able to populate a setting with rich detail that fits for us. It's individualized. But if you physically show the setting to someone, you're showing one individual person's visualization of a setting...thereby inserting their vision and pushing the individual audience member's vision aside.

Don't get me wrong...I love spectacle...I just hate to see it relied upon.

Callback No More

I auditioned for Sleep No More Saturday morning before my flight to left for Detroit to work the auto show. I haven't seen it, but Sleep No More is probably the #1 thing I want to be in in the world. The audition was very artistic and engaging...and you hardly had to do anything. The best auditions are the ones that seem the least like auditions. The problem with monologues is you rehearse them so much and then you are judged on how you do them in a very short time. Some people get really good at it but actually are shitty actors. Vice versa is also true. Plus, monologues aren't the best test of the mind of the actor...how good is this person at breaking down a script and how well do they collaborate? Wouldn't it be better if an audition showed how actors did those things?

Anyway, back to the Sleep No More audition. They brought a group of twenty actors into the lobby of this old hotel. The task was to explore the space and find a few areas or objects that spoke to you. Then, over roughly seven minutes, you would organically creat a mini etude for yourself and go over it a few times. Mine was entering the lobby looking for someone I was supposed to meet. I didn't see them, but I did spot a suitcase belonging to the girl I was traveling with under a dresser. But she wasn't supposed to be here because I got rid of her.

It wasn't the most successful etude I've done and I was rewarded with getting to go home instead of staying for the callback. These things happen. I didn't reach and try to overact...I just didn't have the stakes needed to create a big enough change in my behavior.

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I'm really craving a creative outlet. Either directing or devising....or God forbid I actually perform in a modern play. It's been 5 years since I've performed in a script that takes place anywhere near modern day. Cider House Rules was kind of close, I suppose.

As far as the devising and directing, I know what I need to do with that. I need to stop talking and start doing...but it would be nice if someone else took the initiative for once. Again, my generation needs permission to create...at least most of us.

But let's start here. What's my next project? What do I want to write about or what do I want to do?

I would like to try something like Sleep No More. I need to see that next month so I can get some inspiration. I want to alter it a little bit and make it more my own...but as Michael Caine and so many others have said, "Steal from the best."

I need to answer this question: What would I want to see? If I answer that, then I have a starting point.

First Steps as an NYC Actor

Life as a New York actor is full of doubts. My doubt of the day is this: Is this really where I want to be and what I want to be doing? This isn't an OH SHIT moment. This is just a calm assessment of my artistic prospects. I'm in a city where there isn't enough work for all the actors, there isn't a lot of highly artistic or brilliant new works being done. I'm auditioning for tiny speaking roles on shows I don't care about and trying to fit in to certain "types." do I even care about this? I have always railed against typecasting in the past and I'm not closer to being ok with it now.

I'm spending a lot of effort on making connections and just trying to be seen. This doesn't leave me terribly satisfied at the end of the day. It's a necessary part of the job...crucial. Auditioning and getting yourself out there is paramount. But I feel like I'd be more happy creation my own work and exercising my creative side more.

Just a thought.

I'm still excited about doing the whole New York thing though. This is an incredible city and it's fun to live here. I think the big draw was that there was a lot of theatre and culture here. Sadly, my finances have kept me from participating in any of this. Hopefully I can do this eventually because nothing get's the creative juices flowing quite like seeing a performance. Perhaps that was part of the romance of Russia. We were seeing stuff most every night and it was all new and exciting.

I'm reminded suddenly of some of the final words Doc and I spoke with each other. We were talking about Matt Foss and how Sara and I had Russia in common with him. It's very hard not to talk Russia when you're talking about theatre. He seemed to admire and respect Foss quite a bit...but in that special "Doc" way you knew he thought Matt's constant talk of Russia came off a little pretentious. He's right. I will always miss his candor and just his ability to shoot the shit.

Jeff and Jason just got to Bier International in Harlem...time to start drinking!

To be or not to be...a working actor

Alright, I'm now starting to work towards working at theaters I want to work at and getting the kind of work I want.

I attended a seminar through Actor's Connection the other night with casting director Judy Bowman. I paid $15 for it and I don't feel completely settled with the notion of PAYING for auditions, but I think that's the way it goes if you want to be seen. Honestly I got my money's worth. There was a 30 minute Q & A followed by each of the participants working with her one on one. I did my Jim from Glass Menagerie monologue. It went ok...I was a little distracted by how little she was paying attention to me. She was looking at my resume a good amount of the time. But that's ok...that's how auditions go more often then not.

Here is some good information that she gave us:

- There isn't enough representation for all the actors in town. Not enough agents for all the actors.
- She get's submissions through the mail or actors access breakdowns.
- MAIL > email. It's easier for us to send out an email with our head shot and resume, but it's almost impossible for her to print it. A hard copy of a head shot and resume with a nice cover letter is MUCH PREFERRED.
- Find your own work! Find a theatre you want to work at and try talking to the right people. Send them a letter with your head shot and resume telling them that you're free to help as a stand-in or as a reader for their next auditions. Oftentimes this can yield work.
- WHERE DO I BELONG? WHAT KIND OF WORK DO I WANT TO DO?
- Go to film festivals and find the casting director that worked on the film via IMDB...write to them!
- Go to New Dramatists and try and being in one of their readings. Always show up on time and be professional.
- Write to CD's and AD's of theaters you want to work for...Denver Center, The Guthrie, etc.
- Auditions: Preparation is key. Focused. Normal acting and be a normal person. EFFORT. Commit. Honesty. This is what casting directors expect to see in an audition.

Monologue to My Generation

Permission. That’s what my generation needs. WE need permission. To do anything. To do anything of consequence. You think Da Vinci or Stanislavski or Chekhov needed permission. They changed things. They took risks and gathered people to take risks with them. We don’t do this. We go to cattle calls and audition for stuff we don’t even care about because that’s what it means to be a “working” actor. Success is marked by how long you've been in the game not by what you've done while you play. I'm sick of it. I don't want to work at some tiny theatre in West Virginia just because they offer EMC points. I don't want to do a tour of Cyrano: The Musical just because it pays five hundred bucks a week. And I definitely don't want to be one of those actors that goes union and all the sudden forgets what it's like to scrape and claw your way for everything. We beg to even get into the waiting room for an audition but all the sudden when you've got the gig and a dresser or something actors start to think they're a big deal. They aren't. And the more they can remember those dark days of hustling the more happiness will follow them through life.  

I mean what is wrong with us? Art is under attack in our society. There's ZERO funding out there. We rail against the government because they won't give us money to do what we want but honestly art is about the only thing that doesn't need money to be successful. Sure it helps. The great artists of old were commissioned or given funds to work on their own. This would help. HELP...but not make or break. We have to work with what we're given and right now we're not given anything. So let's make something out of nothing. Let's work for no money late into the night because this is what we need to do. I don't care if I can't go home and watch Netflix tonight. I don't care if it means I have to sacrifice. That's what art requires. That's what finding something that you fucking believe in requires.

And yeaaaaah I could rail against society that I can't make enough money doing this. But if you don't have to have a car and a house and six Apple products you can do it. If you need the creature comforts then fine. But don't make it seem like you had to give up your dreams because it didn't pay enough. It takes courage to do this and I don't wanna work with cowards. I want to do something worth doing and I'm not gonna drag others along with me. I don't want to be the leader. I'm willing to HELP lead, but I don't want this to be an autocratic process. We all contribute equally and we all share in the profits and the glory. Shakespeare didn't have directors in his day. But there was some semblance of organization and leadership.