Regarding the impossible task of staying on target

What is the point of life? Shit. Am I really asking those questions? Now? Am I entering a 1/3-life philosophical crisis?

I've been struggling lately. I haven't had too many things to build my confidence up. I've been very un-Gentleman Caller-y. Maybe this is what Jim feels like most of the time. Lost. Beaten down. Only when he is around someone special does he come alive. I need a Laura. But an equal Laura, not someone I talk down to.

Maybe it will help to contact some good energy people. I just contacted Lynne and she always has a good spirit. It's good to be around someone like that. Cathryn and Fisher would be good to hang out with too. Malary.

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Ok. Momentary freak out. It's gone...wonder if it has something to do with the 70 degree weather outside?

The toughest thing for me about being an actor in New York is the fear of missing out. It's so easy to get pulled in different directions. The opportunities are endless:

One man show
Professor jobs
Devised theatre with friends
EPAs
Actor's Access
New York agent auditions
Detroit agent auditions
regional theatres
New York theatres
commercials
voice overs
One on One classes
acting classes
conservatories
network television auditions
film auditions
indie film auditions
student films
production work
directing
festivals
theatre companies

Whenever I talk to a friend or a fellow actor I think, "they're so far ahead of me...I should be doing that." So I try to pursue everything, get overwhelmed, and end up pursuing nothing. Same thing happens to me day to day. I have all these things I want to accomplish, but I have trouble deciding on one so I end up losing myself in the internet for hours until the day is done and I feel awful for not having done anything.

You can't do it all. Don't get distracted. Stay on target.

I need to focus on what I want to do. Pursue the career I want. "Don't chase the dragon" as Alec Baldwin once said. For me it's, "Don't get distracted by the windmill." So the question is, what kind of career do I want to have?

1. Secure a commercial and voiceover agent. This should've been done long ago, but that's ok. Forgive yourself. If I get one of these agents then the hard work should be done and they can help me find work. The improv class will help with the auditions, so that's a good thing.

2. Gather CV and professor job materials. Finish the application packet, then it's simply searching for jobs and sending in my materials. Simple enough. But first I have to finish it.

3. Work on one man show about political differences. This has been 5 years in the making so I need to do this. I can work on this at my pace, without any outside pressure. Give myself assignments and complete those assignments to move forward and make this more of a reality.

4. Actor's access and One-on-One classes. Check these sites everyday. Don't linger for too long, just have a strong sense of what auditions and classes you would want to pursue.

5. Find a script to direct friends in. This will scratch the director itch and help build my resume. Find a script, fall in love with it, cast it, find funding, and mount it.

Detailing the Crushing Feeling of Utter Failure

This past weekend was supposed to be a great success for me, Peter, and Chris. Instead, we didn't even show up.

Our political performance in Iowa never saw the light of day. The excuses I have for that are as follows: It was too difficult to plan a performance taking place in Iowa with performers residing in Chicago, Detroit, and New York, especially given that we have never attempted to create an original piece before.

There. We failed. We didn't set out to do what we planned.

And that's ok.

I could let this bug me but there's no point to that. I gotta get up on the horse and keep pursuing happiness. 

I don't want to let this project die, though. I want to keep going with it and see if I can finally get this out of my system. I care about politics and I care about my home state's influence in the political process.

Over the past year, I saw three politicians: Mike Huckabee, Martin O'Malley, and Chris Christie; the latter I actually got to ask a question.

So while I suffered a defeat, the battle isn't over. Gotta keep going.