Waiting

We army of artists

Actors, singers and dancers

Crowd the lines at Starbucks

And coffee shops

Spilling our days away

Filling the time with refills

Killin time and opportunities

Sitting idle waiting for an invitation

An invitation to be great

Permission to succeed, sir?

Success passes in a blur

With Facebook and iPhones

Head down, ears closed

Wondering when will someone look up and hear me?

Clawing our way to our non existent weekend

Things will be better

Things will be different if I could just get past ______

No money but two day jobs

Working day jobs into the night

Living is from alarm to 5

Permission to succeed, sir?

I'll write tomorrow

I'll create next Tuesday

Just not now

The present is for waiting

Expecting something new

Life will change with the next 140

Characters in a play that's never cast

Inspiration strikes over a cup of cold brew

Melts with the ice in the glass

Condensation pools on the table

I'll write tommorow

I'll create next Tuesday

Be great next year

Just not now....

I've got time to waste

Lucky Guy and A Streetcar Named Desire

New York really is what you make of it. It's an amazing city...even in an age when NYC is going through "it's not like it used to be."

I'd been good about waking up early, around 8:30 every day, to get my day started. Slowly but surely, by going to bed later and later, I started today at 12:15. But I had a good video chat with Chris and that got my creative juices flowing.

I went to Drama Books, the only place in the country that has most ANY play or acting book you want IN STOCK. I sat down with a nice cup of coffee and A Streetcar Named Desire by Tennessee Williams. I had the great fortune to not know much of anything about the play other than "Steeeeeellllllllaaaaaaaa!" and "I've always depended upon the kindness of strangers." I list this as an asset, because my imagination got to populate this beautifully written play. I hate when I've seen something before I've read it because once you have an image in your head, it's damn near impossible to get it out of there. So your imagination gets the day off while you read the dialogue from an already imaged world.

This play is great. It was one of the few plays that really held my interest the whole time while reading it. I would LOVE to direct it. I love reading plays from a directorial point of view rather than an actor point of view. When you're an actor and you know what part you want to play, you read it from THAT character's perspective. But the director's point of view you can really see the play as a whole much better.

Light is a big part of this play. The naked bulb being covered with a shade. Cold blues and feint pinks. Blues music. I couldn't help imagining the cast coming out and building the set with strings right before the audience's eyes. Constructing the rooms and putting up with portieres. The end of the play would be the strings all snipped and fall away in unison. This is an actor's play. Great scene after great scene. Meaty text to mine. A play to read over and over again. Questions to ask. Etudes to play out. Animal. Passionate. From the gut.

I read the play intermittently, which isn't ideal, but sometimes has to happen. Luckily, while not reading, my mind was engaged artistically which watching Lucky Guy with Tom Hanks. Very strong work. Tom Hanks is one of my favorite actors and it's nice to see a film actor really bring it on stage. He started out at Great Lakes Theatre in Cleveland, so I'm on his exact career path...so far. Now I need to book a few movies and I'm sure I'll follow his arch:)

The dialogue was a fast ball the entire play which just flat out WORKED. You had to keep up, but this also meant you were constantly engaged. GREAT acting. Quick transitions and inventive staging were also showcased. And the masterful sense of play and ease by Tom Hanks was just so inspirational. Fucking have FUN on stage...while else do it??

The play was also a love story about New York City. The late Nora Ephron's passion about the city really shined through Tom Hanks' Mike McAlary. The kind of play that makes you really love being a New Yorker. I question my place in this city everyday............but my place in this city is also validated each and every day.

My teaching philosophy

"The more I demand from you, the more you'll give me."

I had the great fortune to study at the Moscow Art Theatre School in Russia during the summer of 2009. The voice teacher at the school was working with one of my classmates and the student was getting upset because she wasn't performing how the teacher wanted her to. Soon the tears started flowing and the teacher had to stop her lesson to console the student. The teacher described that she wasn't being malicious; she was merely trying to push her to greatness. "The more I demand from you, the more you'll give me." The student took a deep breath, worked past the tears, and pushed herself to a new level of performance.

This lesson had a great impact on me as a student and, subsequently, as a teacher. There's a tough balance to follow when you are in charge of young minds. You have to be supportive and nurturing and encouraging. But you also owe it to them to push. Students want to be pushed. Need to be pushed.

I've spent 23 years as a student and even though I'm not in school now, I'm still learning. School taught me how to learn and because of that I’m able to teach myself new things every day. So if anything, this teaching philosophy is a reflection of my life as a student. My best work always comes when my best work is demanded.

When it comes to actor training, I don't prescribe to one particular method. I was trained with a large dose of Stanislavsky, but I also had Meisner, LeCoq, and Chekhov classes. Like most everything in life, there isn’t a cookie cutter method that works for every student.  Students should be exposed to as many different methods so they can decide for themselves which particular method, or combination of methods, work best for them. When I approach a role I use a combination Stanislavsky, Chekhov and Meisner, but I also utilize little nuggets of information that picked up from various teachers and directors. Anything that can help me understand and portray the character I’m going to use. And as I learn more about theatre and acting, I’ll only going to add to the list

Thomas Edison once said, ”I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." The classroom is a safe place where it should be firmly understood that failure is perfectly acceptable. For beginning actors, the classroom should be a place to rid themselves of their self-consciousness. The so called "third eye” killed the actor and the sooner you can rid yourself of its gaze, the sooner you begin to grow as an actor.

As actors our instrument is our body. Therefore, we must make sure our instrument is in top condition. Students would sweat in my movement classes. We would work out at the start of every class in an effort to get in shape. Students would learn to control their bodies and their minds. Exercises would focus on stretching and pushing the body to be more flexible. When the body is pushed, the mind must be trained to follow. Master the mind and your body can do things you never thought possible.

When it comes to vocal training, an understanding of the vocal tract and how to safely use the voice is paramount. Students also need to learn that in order to be effective on stage, you must be heard. I was trained with a combination of Fitzmaurice and Linklater and I would utilize many of their techniques in my own classroom. The release of tension in the diaphragm, rib cage and throat combined with proper breathing technique and support will free the voice to project to the back rows of a theatre space.

Acting is hard. There isn’t an actor out there that hasn’t struggled with new concepts. But the goal of education should be to make acting easier. Every methodology, no matter how complex, can be broken down to simple, understandable concepts. It’s my hope to make each and every student understand these concepts and reach their full potential as artists.

The Audition Circuit

Well I'm learning a lot about the whole "Equity/Non-Equity" argument. It's still a complex issue, but it's becoming clearer...for ME that is. It's a very individual decision...there's no cookie cutter answer that works for everyone...just like everything else in life.

I'm a 30 year old actor with an MFA. I wish I was Equity. There multiple auditions that I could attend everyday, but as an EMC actor, it's an ALL DAY commitment. I had three auditions that I wanted to hit last Friday...two EPA's and one appointment. I got up at 6:30 and walked into the Equity Building at around 8:15. I was 13th on the list for Pittsburgh City Theatre (or whatever) and 4th on the list for "Phillip Goes Forth" for the Mint Theatre. I waited around all day until 3:30 (EPA went until 5:30 but I had my appointment audition at 4pm at Ripley Greer) and didn't get seen. Pittsburgh made the call early on that they wouldn't be seeing anyone, but "Phillip Goes Forth" had a chance.

At the end of the day I was 1 for 3.

Today, I was 1 for 2. But today was tricky because they were both EPA's but one was at the Equity Building and one was at Ripley-Greer...about a 15 minute walk. You just gotta choose I suppose. So I went with the lower paying, shorter time EPA and I was the second to last person to be seen.

And then I blow it with a mediocre audition. I can't invest all this time and walk in the room and be unprepared. I really need to work on my pieces weekly, if not daily. They have to become routine enough but keep the passion. And it all starts with the pre-beat. If I start off well and can get in the zone, that will carry me through. But it'd be good to re-examine them and work them with someone from New York...someone who knows casting.

I've got the talent and the drive, I just need to learn the marketing and auditioning. I'm really wondering if I shouldn't be showcasing more character stuff. It's my strength and could be an interesting quality to show from someone my "type."

So yes, for me, Equity would be perfect. But only because I'm trained and I'm in New York. I don't know about elsewhere, but it just wouldn't make much sense I bet. If you're out of undergrad, probably you want to try and get a few EMC points before coming to New York. It's a big step up from non-eq...you can't even get in the Equity Building without your card.

It feels good to hustle and "pound the pavement." I'm leading a life that many successful and famous actors have lead. But does it feel like how I THOUGHT? Does it matter if it doesn't? Am I happy doing this? Is this actually my dream? Or is it just what I think I SHOULD be doing?

The question remains: What kind of life do I want to lead?

Pride & Prejudice

We're in the middle of opening night for Pride & Prejudice. It's been a fun and QUICK process. I got into town on April 2nd...had time to eat Subway...and then had rehearsal. Again...QUICK! 17 days from arrival to audience...can't believe it.

Many lessons to learn from this process though. First, a truncated rehearsal process makes coming in off-book even MORE important. We had only one true run before we had an audience, so I'm still worried about lines. Tonight that really showed. I don't like to run my lines before a show and trust that I know them. Plus I like how it puts a little fear in me > fear leads to focus > focus leads to listening > listening leads to staying in the moment. That wasn't the case tonight. Focus wasn't there because some weird thoughts popped into my head and I could not get them out. Oh well, maybe I need a few more times running my lines before they're solid.

However, I wasn't even cast until about three weeks out and I didn't get the script until two weeks out...so that pretty much screwed me. I did the best I could, but it's really important to come in more prepared. I don't like to learn lines until I've done the appropriate book work, otherwise the physical manifestation of the character gets set before you know who he is.

Second, that I HATE not having more rehearsals. The reasons for the short rehearsal process are monetary and business related, but it makes for lesser art. No read through. No table work. No full cast at the same time until the last few rehearsals. No time to run the show repeatedly. Too many good things happen during these times and I feel a bit robbed.

And thirdly, I need to be careful about how long I'm away from acting at a time. This was five months...11 if you don't count The Winter's Tale. But my atrophied muscles are back in shape...and real ones after some trips to the gym. I'm in the midst of finding new monologues and am slowly but surely finding new inspiration.

It's amazing, however, how much of a stasis I've been in because of the breakup with Sara. New York, so far, has felt like a haze...like I wasn't really there. I just haven't felt like being very active...still don't in a lot of ways. My motivation is gone, but I'm not forgiving myself enough and letting myself do what I NEED guilt free.

It's been good being down here away from her...plus I have a nice car, nice hotel, and a lot of free time. I'm not making a ton, but I'm also not on the hook for many expenses. I'm glad I was able to sublease my place otherwise I'd be in the red because of this show.

We have about 16 days left and I want to make the most of it, while also starting to turn my eye back to New York and ramp up my efforts there. Audition more. See more shows. Remember that I'm an actor, not a server.

Uncharted Waters

Did I turn back too soon?
I lost the shore on the horizon and panicked.

I lay back down in my spot.
Coffee spoon nestled into place.
The same blonde wisps caught in my three day stubble.

The pain and the paint on the glass is where I left it.
The tucked in sheets I swore didn't want strangle the legs.
There's a suburban safety to the suffocation.
But did I turn back too soon?

The souls of my shoes wore along the smooth path,
But the persnickety details on the label made them expendable.
The new way was rougher but it was approached with a sprint rather than shuffling steps.
The souls on the new shoes are sturdy but the heals are rubbing me raw.

--------

I'm amazed at people. Especially in New York. They are all so different, but honestly they're much more the same. New York is filled with the exact same people as Iowa, Detroit, Chicago...farms and other cities. But it's filled with different roles and different costumes.

A broad shouldered man filling out his power suit well during a business lunch could be the same guy with sleeves rolled up and his hands in the dirt. Different business meetings, same person.

The group of pretty girls sitting next to me in yellow jeans drinking $4 bottles of water waiting for their break could be the same group of girls in cardigans from Kohl's talking about babies and their husbands.

Did I give up on Sara too soon? Conventional wisdom says now...three years should be plenty of time. But was being with her putting me in a bad mood or was my frustrations with my surrounding doing it? Sara always said how she wanted to travel and do exciting things too. I still don't know if I believe here, but in my sadness I tend to give her the benefit of the doubt. She has flaws. I couldn't ignore them. I have flaws. I feel like she took them in stride and loved me for them. I can't tell you how unbearable that is to think about.

But if I go back now, will I be saying "Did I give up on a better future?" I haven't really TRIED anything yet. I've gone through almost four months of struggle, but I haven't done anything worthwhile yet. I haven't gotten anything out of my system. I can't, it turns out, do anything that I "dreamt" of while I was in a relationship and longing to be a single man. But I can date. I can get to know other people.

It's funny, through all my time in New York, I've loosely just been thinking this: Now is my time to get this stuff out of my system. Then I can go back to Sara and continue the life I've grown so accustomed to.

Everything about me at this moment reeks of technology. Head phones in, typing on my phone, with a bluetooth keyboard propping it up with my iPad.

It's hard to hold something at arm's length when it's in the palm of your hand.

Toilet Seat

Why are there so many toilet seats in the ocean?
There are over 452,000 toilet seats in the ocean.
Actually, I just made that up.
But there are always toilet seats being picked up in fisherman nets in movies.
Why?
How often have you detached a toilet seat?
How often have you disposed of it by flinging it into the ocean?
Boots are always showing up in fisherman's nets too.
Boots I can understand.
At least a lot more than I can understand toilet seats.
Are people living closer to large bodies of water more apt to detach toilet seats from the base?
And are they concurrently more apt to be anti-environment by casually tossing them into a lake or an ocean?
We need to get to the bottom of this.
We need to commission a study.
We need to form a task force.
Why are there so many toilet seats in the ocean?

I Need to Work Harder

I'm tired of feeling disappointed whenever I walk out of an audition. I've become one of those actors that wants to apologize for their work. Bullshit. I'm a good actor and I KNOW I have it in me to be a better one. I need to bring more of myself to my pieces...after all, there's only ONE me and THAT'S exactly what I need to show CD's and agents and directors. If I want to be successful I have to walk in that room thinking, "I'm about to blow their fucking minds." So no more excuses. I have good pieces. I need to trust them. Wouldn't hurt to have a few more that are my type-appropriate and I'll find them in due time.

I'm struggling today. And yesterday. And probably tomorrow. I have all of this STUFF inside me but I can't get it out. Motivation ebbs and flows until I find myself watching my fifth episode of West Wing for the day. I don't end up working out...which is probably why I feel tired all the time. I don't end up reading much unless it's on the train. I'm keeping up on the NY Times, which is an important part of being an actor that I'm incorporating into everyday life. I want to do some sort of map-based artwork but I haven't even thought about that. I can blame the fact that everything I own is still in two towers of boxes in my room but that's BS.

I'm going to do yoga tomorrow with my friend Rocio. It'll be a good motivator I think. Hopefully it can help release some pent-up emotional tension in my muscles. I get misty eyed at the drop of a hat to the point where I'm blind with tears at least twice per episode of the West Wing...I mean it's a really fucking good show but come on! Perhaps I'm getting my emotions to the surface a bit better, which can only help with acting.

I need to get on the horse when it comes to creating my own work. I should be writing a scene or something but I can only seem to write when it's about my life. It'd be easier to create if I had like-minded, available artists around me...but that's not the case and I can't hide behind that.

On the other hand....I NEED TO GIVE MYSELF A FUCKING BREAK! I made a big move to a GIGANTIC city....alone. I'm getting over a three year relationship. I'm making about $147/week. I'm trying not to drink for awhile. And if all of this results in the fact that I spend time by myself in my room watching Netflix then so be it. Carpe diem another diem...put that in your pipe and smoke it Robin Williams.

I saw The Suit a few nights ago. It was directed by Peter Brook, this TITAN of theatre that has inspired and challenged my perceptions about theatre through his books...and a man who quite frankly I thought was long dead. I believe he's 88 now and he's still got it. I've read a lot of his thoughts about theatre and it was nice to see how his ideologies translate to his work on the stage.

His cast was wonderful. Through the use of mime and a few mobile set pieces, they created a beautiful apartment that truly felt like it was in South Africa. It really does prove that you don't need to spend thousands of dollars building sets to set the scene. Simply by saying "I'm going to wash my hands in the sink of here" can illustrate a kitchen sink just as effectively as an actual kitchen sink. Give the audience some credit. As the saying goes, "the book is always better than the movie." Well why is that? I think it's because our minds are quickly able to populate a setting with rich detail that fits for us. It's individualized. But if you physically show the setting to someone, you're showing one individual person's visualization of a setting...thereby inserting their vision and pushing the individual audience member's vision aside.

Don't get me wrong...I love spectacle...I just hate to see it relied upon.

Callback No More

I auditioned for Sleep No More Saturday morning before my flight to left for Detroit to work the auto show. I haven't seen it, but Sleep No More is probably the #1 thing I want to be in in the world. The audition was very artistic and engaging...and you hardly had to do anything. The best auditions are the ones that seem the least like auditions. The problem with monologues is you rehearse them so much and then you are judged on how you do them in a very short time. Some people get really good at it but actually are shitty actors. Vice versa is also true. Plus, monologues aren't the best test of the mind of the actor...how good is this person at breaking down a script and how well do they collaborate? Wouldn't it be better if an audition showed how actors did those things?

Anyway, back to the Sleep No More audition. They brought a group of twenty actors into the lobby of this old hotel. The task was to explore the space and find a few areas or objects that spoke to you. Then, over roughly seven minutes, you would organically creat a mini etude for yourself and go over it a few times. Mine was entering the lobby looking for someone I was supposed to meet. I didn't see them, but I did spot a suitcase belonging to the girl I was traveling with under a dresser. But she wasn't supposed to be here because I got rid of her.

It wasn't the most successful etude I've done and I was rewarded with getting to go home instead of staying for the callback. These things happen. I didn't reach and try to overact...I just didn't have the stakes needed to create a big enough change in my behavior.

-------

I'm really craving a creative outlet. Either directing or devising....or God forbid I actually perform in a modern play. It's been 5 years since I've performed in a script that takes place anywhere near modern day. Cider House Rules was kind of close, I suppose.

As far as the devising and directing, I know what I need to do with that. I need to stop talking and start doing...but it would be nice if someone else took the initiative for once. Again, my generation needs permission to create...at least most of us.

But let's start here. What's my next project? What do I want to write about or what do I want to do?

I would like to try something like Sleep No More. I need to see that next month so I can get some inspiration. I want to alter it a little bit and make it more my own...but as Michael Caine and so many others have said, "Steal from the best."

I need to answer this question: What would I want to see? If I answer that, then I have a starting point.

First Steps as an NYC Actor

Life as a New York actor is full of doubts. My doubt of the day is this: Is this really where I want to be and what I want to be doing? This isn't an OH SHIT moment. This is just a calm assessment of my artistic prospects. I'm in a city where there isn't enough work for all the actors, there isn't a lot of highly artistic or brilliant new works being done. I'm auditioning for tiny speaking roles on shows I don't care about and trying to fit in to certain "types." do I even care about this? I have always railed against typecasting in the past and I'm not closer to being ok with it now.

I'm spending a lot of effort on making connections and just trying to be seen. This doesn't leave me terribly satisfied at the end of the day. It's a necessary part of the job...crucial. Auditioning and getting yourself out there is paramount. But I feel like I'd be more happy creation my own work and exercising my creative side more.

Just a thought.

I'm still excited about doing the whole New York thing though. This is an incredible city and it's fun to live here. I think the big draw was that there was a lot of theatre and culture here. Sadly, my finances have kept me from participating in any of this. Hopefully I can do this eventually because nothing get's the creative juices flowing quite like seeing a performance. Perhaps that was part of the romance of Russia. We were seeing stuff most every night and it was all new and exciting.

I'm reminded suddenly of some of the final words Doc and I spoke with each other. We were talking about Matt Foss and how Sara and I had Russia in common with him. It's very hard not to talk Russia when you're talking about theatre. He seemed to admire and respect Foss quite a bit...but in that special "Doc" way you knew he thought Matt's constant talk of Russia came off a little pretentious. He's right. I will always miss his candor and just his ability to shoot the shit.

Jeff and Jason just got to Bier International in Harlem...time to start drinking!

To be or not to be...a working actor

Alright, I'm now starting to work towards working at theaters I want to work at and getting the kind of work I want.

I attended a seminar through Actor's Connection the other night with casting director Judy Bowman. I paid $15 for it and I don't feel completely settled with the notion of PAYING for auditions, but I think that's the way it goes if you want to be seen. Honestly I got my money's worth. There was a 30 minute Q & A followed by each of the participants working with her one on one. I did my Jim from Glass Menagerie monologue. It went ok...I was a little distracted by how little she was paying attention to me. She was looking at my resume a good amount of the time. But that's ok...that's how auditions go more often then not.

Here is some good information that she gave us:

- There isn't enough representation for all the actors in town. Not enough agents for all the actors.
- She get's submissions through the mail or actors access breakdowns.
- MAIL > email. It's easier for us to send out an email with our head shot and resume, but it's almost impossible for her to print it. A hard copy of a head shot and resume with a nice cover letter is MUCH PREFERRED.
- Find your own work! Find a theatre you want to work at and try talking to the right people. Send them a letter with your head shot and resume telling them that you're free to help as a stand-in or as a reader for their next auditions. Oftentimes this can yield work.
- WHERE DO I BELONG? WHAT KIND OF WORK DO I WANT TO DO?
- Go to film festivals and find the casting director that worked on the film via IMDB...write to them!
- Go to New Dramatists and try and being in one of their readings. Always show up on time and be professional.
- Write to CD's and AD's of theaters you want to work for...Denver Center, The Guthrie, etc.
- Auditions: Preparation is key. Focused. Normal acting and be a normal person. EFFORT. Commit. Honesty. This is what casting directors expect to see in an audition.

Monologue to My Generation

Permission. That’s what my generation needs. WE need permission. To do anything. To do anything of consequence. You think Da Vinci or Stanislavski or Chekhov needed permission. They changed things. They took risks and gathered people to take risks with them. We don’t do this. We go to cattle calls and audition for stuff we don’t even care about because that’s what it means to be a “working” actor. Success is marked by how long you've been in the game not by what you've done while you play. I'm sick of it. I don't want to work at some tiny theatre in West Virginia just because they offer EMC points. I don't want to do a tour of Cyrano: The Musical just because it pays five hundred bucks a week. And I definitely don't want to be one of those actors that goes union and all the sudden forgets what it's like to scrape and claw your way for everything. We beg to even get into the waiting room for an audition but all the sudden when you've got the gig and a dresser or something actors start to think they're a big deal. They aren't. And the more they can remember those dark days of hustling the more happiness will follow them through life.  

I mean what is wrong with us? Art is under attack in our society. There's ZERO funding out there. We rail against the government because they won't give us money to do what we want but honestly art is about the only thing that doesn't need money to be successful. Sure it helps. The great artists of old were commissioned or given funds to work on their own. This would help. HELP...but not make or break. We have to work with what we're given and right now we're not given anything. So let's make something out of nothing. Let's work for no money late into the night because this is what we need to do. I don't care if I can't go home and watch Netflix tonight. I don't care if it means I have to sacrifice. That's what art requires. That's what finding something that you fucking believe in requires.

And yeaaaaah I could rail against society that I can't make enough money doing this. But if you don't have to have a car and a house and six Apple products you can do it. If you need the creature comforts then fine. But don't make it seem like you had to give up your dreams because it didn't pay enough. It takes courage to do this and I don't wanna work with cowards. I want to do something worth doing and I'm not gonna drag others along with me. I don't want to be the leader. I'm willing to HELP lead, but I don't want this to be an autocratic process. We all contribute equally and we all share in the profits and the glory. Shakespeare didn't have directors in his day. But there was some semblance of organization and leadership.